New month, new job and of spirits

Well its the beginning of a new month. I am probably one of those few Malaysian bloggers who didn't write anything on Merdeka Day proclaiming the Independance of our country. Well, it figures. Not that I am not patriotic.

Anyway, back to the new month. Well I started my new job with hyper spirits (really really hyper). After about.... oh maybe 6 days of work, its starting to wind down a bit and now I think I am pretty much settled in. Almost.

I guess having the spirit counts but how long will that last? Have you ever seen that person at.. say a restaurant that is so smiley :) that it hurts to watch all that happiness and eagerness to serve customers? Usually, after about 2 weeks or so, that spirit usually dwindles and the next thing you know, Yawnsville. Next thing you know, either the person quits or eventually gets promoted.

So I guess, its not just spirits that help us through our daily working (shudder) lives. Its the dedication that a person has that determines which path we need to climb next. I sure hope my dedication kicks in... I am so gonna need it. Its not that my job is boring. Its anything and everything but boring. But soon the spirit is gonna dwindle and the next thing I know, I will find myself asking me what in the world am I doing?

It might happen.

Then again, I happen to like this job so I think I'm gonna stick around ferawhile. I get to meet lots of new people outside of my industry and I get to meet lots of new people in this industry. (pause)

Ok. So maybe I meet lots of new people.

Coming back to the topic though. To all those people who are going through that daily grind, if you don't like what you're doing, find a different job that you are passionate about. Passion is the key. If you are passionate about your job then you can be sure that you will as sure as hell be more dedicated to it. With dedication, effort and patience, we will surely reach the top.

Amen.

The art of stillness in a hectic environment...

It's been an emotionally draining week, ladies and gentleman but at least I had anchors all around me that kept me down in the whirlwind of events. Yep. The art of stillness in a hectic environment is support and willpower.

What makes me think like that? Let's have a recap. I am supposed to start work on the 15th of August, 2005. Yep. Today is the 22nd of August and at 8.02 PM I am just beginning to relax about that job. I am still not working. I repeat. I am STILL not working. Why you may wonder as you read this since I have just said that I was to start on the 15th. Well, according to the people I am supposed to work for, I will only be confirmed on the 1st. Sigh. And guess what? I just found that out today. Yep again. Today. Still I am thankful because that means only another week of joblessness....

On top of that, my dearly beloveds (yes... both of them) were sick or shall I say still sick. For a moment, I thought I would lose my darling (the big one) and I actually had a flashback of the moments we spent together these past 2 years and it was heart-wrenching when I thought there was a possibility that I would not grow old with man. It still hurts when I think about it. But thank God, he was OK. He was passed out in pain and all I could was make sure that he had food (if he wakes) and hold his hand when he cries out my name.

I was scared. Terrified. And even after it was over, I still can feel that fear somewhere at the back of my mind, and I get a terrible pain in my chest everytime that fear takes a peek at me.

My little one was down with fever. Or should I say up? Why do they say down with fever or whatever when their body temperature is up? *confused* He didn't have any appetite and he was losing weight. He was coughing badly and he had trouble sleeping.

It's like a double whammy straight to my stomach. I can't breathe.. I feel like I am running around in circles and I am lagging from the exhaustion yet I feel like if I stop then the world will come crashing down around me.

And yet, in that moment of hecticnism (no such word, I know), the very people who were my anchor was there. To take my mind off things. My friends, my mother. But most important of all, my two loved ones. It makes me feel calm when I hear them calling my name. It's like reminding me that there is still hope yet.

My little one calls me and hugs me tight and I hug back.

My man calls me and holds my hand tight and I hold him tight.

And everything is gonna be alright.

And it did become alright. That's the beauty of patience and hope. Because with hope, you believe and with belief comes understanding. I prayed for them to be alright and the feeling of relief was unimaginable when they became alright.

On top of that, my projects are going on its course again. It's like my professional life was put on pause while I dealt with the importance of now. I thank God for that. Now lets just hope that I can make it when I start my job. I am wishing myself luck.

So that is the art of stillness. Its not really about me or you as a person but its about perseverence and support. You become like a different person when dealing with life's dilemmas. Strong. Wise. Patient.

Like I always like to say, one step at a time.

Confessions and Realisations.

I haven't been faithful to my blogging of late. Erk. Too busy I guess. But now I got some time so I intend to blog for all my worth. Lets see. Doing my bit to get my financial on the way to stability. Dodging questions from my parents about getting a 9 to 5 job. Calling up friends once in awhile to make them realise I am still alive. And kicking. And running around to appointments that I cannot say no to cos it might mean money. Oh and had a heart to heart talk with my one and only.

Sigh. How did life get so complicated? It used to be kinda simplistic. Go out in the morning, feel like class or not? No? Yes? Go hang out after class, have philosophical talks, or gossip sessions or just plain fun.

Now I am running around to make sure money comes in every month in preparation for the future. My son is going to school in another 3 years, but he will be in kindieland by next year. What does that mean ladies and gentlemen? Yup. Money for fees. Sigh.

But I really should thank my lucky stars and offer a prayer to God. At least there ARE projects that I have secured with profit in the horizon. At least I have parents who care what their daughter is doing. At least I have friends I can call who know I am still around and take the time to talk to me. At least I have a one and only to hug me and love me when I am feeling blue.

So basically, it's all about balance. Even if you're stressed out at work or school or whatever, there is still that silver lining in the cloud. Even if you have sacrificed something in the past that you wished you didn't gave up, there is something that took its place. All I have to do is take a moment in reflection and realise that its there.

Feeling a little better about my path in life, I trudge out and work my way through. One step at a time I always say. At least I don't feel like I am running around like a cockroach with its head cut off.. (pause) or arm.. (pause) whatever.. (pause). Eek. I don't like cockroaches. What possessed me to use THAT as an example. But I digress.

So I take a pause, a deep breath and I smell all that (Erm, with a filter mask, what with the smog and all). Life ain't that bad and let's just flow on.

A spiral, whirlpool or none?

It's been quite some time since my last blog. But hey, it's been hectic. I don't know what happens to the hours in the day or the days in the week, and I guess it happens even to the best of us.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am going around in a spiral of energy, going up and up and up with the end still far away, feeling blessedly calm in the aura of pure chi and wrapped in my own karma. Or am I drowning in a whirlpool? Dark, dank, dreary and ... wet? No. Just feeling like something is not really completely in sync with the rest of me. Does that make sense?

Sometimes, I am dizzy from all the stuff I want to do and I AM doing and it's easy to find yourself lost and confused with the needs and wants that are boiling inside and at the same trying to keep focus with what you're doing at the moment. It seems like stopping for a drink of coffee or even to smell the flowers before you go out seems to much for you to sacrifice your time.

Yet, at least I have an anchor. Two, actually. My left and right. These two have always been there. For their thoughts, feelings, touch, but most importantly, their love. My son loves me unconditionally and for that I am thankful that I have him. And there is always Danny. Sometimes I wonder what would I do without him. Now that I have him, can I imagine how it would be without him. I think not.

Perhaps I am just thinking fancy thoughts about love and friendship and... perhaps I feel more grateful that I have two someones who makes it all better, even if I am in a spiral or a whirlpool. Perhaps I am in neither. Yes, perhaps.

Today, I spoke to an old friend. Well, perhaps spoke was a bad word to describe it but let's say.. electronically, I spoke to an old friend through MSN. A short conversation and a visit to his blogsite later, I find myself feeling... sad. Sometimes, the path of time and experience takes us to places we never would have dreamed of, and yet we always look back, sometimes wistfully, sometimes with regret, and sometimes thankfully. I find myself saddened at the turn of events and I find myself walking the path of memories.

To my old friend, should you come across this, be strong for there would come a time when you would look back and you may decide how you want to look at the path you have walked. Perhaps it may seem a trivial advice, but you know and I know the outcome of my path and you once gave me the same advice: Be strong. And I add another, Focus. Perhaps we can talk of this one day, but till then, I will let you be alone with your thoughts and when you're ready, you have two pairs of listening ears.

To my lights of life, both of you, just two words. Thank you.

Till next entry, may it be filled with happier thoughts.

Danny, my other half