Confessions and Realisations.

I haven't been faithful to my blogging of late. Erk. Too busy I guess. But now I got some time so I intend to blog for all my worth. Lets see. Doing my bit to get my financial on the way to stability. Dodging questions from my parents about getting a 9 to 5 job. Calling up friends once in awhile to make them realise I am still alive. And kicking. And running around to appointments that I cannot say no to cos it might mean money. Oh and had a heart to heart talk with my one and only.

Sigh. How did life get so complicated? It used to be kinda simplistic. Go out in the morning, feel like class or not? No? Yes? Go hang out after class, have philosophical talks, or gossip sessions or just plain fun.

Now I am running around to make sure money comes in every month in preparation for the future. My son is going to school in another 3 years, but he will be in kindieland by next year. What does that mean ladies and gentlemen? Yup. Money for fees. Sigh.

But I really should thank my lucky stars and offer a prayer to God. At least there ARE projects that I have secured with profit in the horizon. At least I have parents who care what their daughter is doing. At least I have friends I can call who know I am still around and take the time to talk to me. At least I have a one and only to hug me and love me when I am feeling blue.

So basically, it's all about balance. Even if you're stressed out at work or school or whatever, there is still that silver lining in the cloud. Even if you have sacrificed something in the past that you wished you didn't gave up, there is something that took its place. All I have to do is take a moment in reflection and realise that its there.

Feeling a little better about my path in life, I trudge out and work my way through. One step at a time I always say. At least I don't feel like I am running around like a cockroach with its head cut off.. (pause) or arm.. (pause) whatever.. (pause). Eek. I don't like cockroaches. What possessed me to use THAT as an example. But I digress.

So I take a pause, a deep breath and I smell all that (Erm, with a filter mask, what with the smog and all). Life ain't that bad and let's just flow on.

A spiral, whirlpool or none?

It's been quite some time since my last blog. But hey, it's been hectic. I don't know what happens to the hours in the day or the days in the week, and I guess it happens even to the best of us.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am going around in a spiral of energy, going up and up and up with the end still far away, feeling blessedly calm in the aura of pure chi and wrapped in my own karma. Or am I drowning in a whirlpool? Dark, dank, dreary and ... wet? No. Just feeling like something is not really completely in sync with the rest of me. Does that make sense?

Sometimes, I am dizzy from all the stuff I want to do and I AM doing and it's easy to find yourself lost and confused with the needs and wants that are boiling inside and at the same trying to keep focus with what you're doing at the moment. It seems like stopping for a drink of coffee or even to smell the flowers before you go out seems to much for you to sacrifice your time.

Yet, at least I have an anchor. Two, actually. My left and right. These two have always been there. For their thoughts, feelings, touch, but most importantly, their love. My son loves me unconditionally and for that I am thankful that I have him. And there is always Danny. Sometimes I wonder what would I do without him. Now that I have him, can I imagine how it would be without him. I think not.

Perhaps I am just thinking fancy thoughts about love and friendship and... perhaps I feel more grateful that I have two someones who makes it all better, even if I am in a spiral or a whirlpool. Perhaps I am in neither. Yes, perhaps.

Today, I spoke to an old friend. Well, perhaps spoke was a bad word to describe it but let's say.. electronically, I spoke to an old friend through MSN. A short conversation and a visit to his blogsite later, I find myself feeling... sad. Sometimes, the path of time and experience takes us to places we never would have dreamed of, and yet we always look back, sometimes wistfully, sometimes with regret, and sometimes thankfully. I find myself saddened at the turn of events and I find myself walking the path of memories.

To my old friend, should you come across this, be strong for there would come a time when you would look back and you may decide how you want to look at the path you have walked. Perhaps it may seem a trivial advice, but you know and I know the outcome of my path and you once gave me the same advice: Be strong. And I add another, Focus. Perhaps we can talk of this one day, but till then, I will let you be alone with your thoughts and when you're ready, you have two pairs of listening ears.

To my lights of life, both of you, just two words. Thank you.

Till next entry, may it be filled with happier thoughts.

Danny, my other half 

Fakrul, my son. 

Parents, Business and Parents

It's been a month since I last posted.. since then I think I've been nagged by my parents every single day. I think I need to get a job that takes me out most of the time to avoid being nagged at. Sigh. I'm pretty sure there are lots of people out there who are going through the exact same thing... but usually each person would feel the other person's parents are WAY more laidback. Probably parents the world over are similar one way or the other.

I just got my business card out and I'm pretty proud about it since I designed it myself (ahem). If I don't toot my own horn, who's gonna do that huh?

But anyway, I'm going off topic. Today my parents started on my nails. It seems that something so small can escalate to a huge cold war. I'm not talking to them right now cos they don't really listen anyway. Don't you ever get the feeling that when you talk to your parents it seems like you're talking to the wall? Or even better.... like you're talking to a sawing machine which cuts you off every second word or so... (but I... it's not... you see... blah blah...)

And I realise something, it doesn't matter what you say, your parents are gonna think they are right and you are wrong anyway and the best thing I can do is not do that to my kid. Uh uh no way...

Till next compaint..